oh, ok.

uh….

yeah. i don’t know either, but i gotta tell you that christmas in astoria rules. people really go for it. they DECORATE. me? i like my haloween stuff, so i’m leaving it. no getting sad while i wind up those orange lights and put them away for another season. ima just wait till i don’t dig em anymore and THEN put up the white ones. i don’t care if it’s college dormish. christmas lights make me look pretty.

its a rollercoaster, people. i’m deliriously happy becsaue things couldn’t be more beautiful then i’m sad because major change has occured and i grieve what i left and i have to make new traditions for myself. then i’m having an anxiety attack becasue i’m convinced that if i my neck was a little more defined then those people that are all just probably just tolerating me (becsaue all this is a joke that’ll probably catch me right on the chin one of these days) would really like me and want to hang out with me. then i’m angry becasue i know better and how long am i going to listen to that fucking hand puppet that lives in my head who’s trying to kill me!?

oy.

dec 24: 26th st astoria

so once again. back to the breath. harder then it sounds right now. i’m trying to just stay present. just stay in the room and not wander off.

dec 30: e. 12th st manhattan

oh holy stars…let me just love and be loved in return.

teach me the greatest thing.

how i prayed to god for your messenger when i was 13…….

welcome home.

dec 1: houston and varick

i know i’ve been lagging. i’m sorry. i’m just so fucking weary i can barely get my head off the pillow everyday. but all is beautiful in spite of me.

dec 2: 9th st and 1st ave

i think it’s been about a year since i’ve started noting the stars of the city. i kinda want to start looking for something else now, but sometimes shit just has to come to me. i can’t go looking for it.

dec 2: 9th st and 1st ave

i’m letting myself relax a little. aganst my better judgement, mind you. i’m sick of my knee-jerk defenses. i feel tiny and on the verge of tears and ready to beat the crap out of anybody who looks at me the wrong way.

believe it or not, for me, this is relaxed.