oh, ok.

i reclined out in my garden with the dogs and pondered the stars with the soundtrack of explosions in the sky late last night. i wasn’t ready to go to bed (i’m never ready to go to bed) and the dogs have taken to eating the weeds. like, LOVING to eat the weeds. i thought they deserved a treat since i haven’t been home that much lately cuzza work. it was the perfect meditative situation for all concerned.

this morning sammy’s nose smelled like mint and lemon geraniums.

the fog is lifting. i was one of the astoria losers who had no electricity for a week and it’s felt like my brain has been out of focus. i think its becasue i haven’t been able to have the ritual of morning tea, cigarette, and pat kiernan before i have to put on my poker face and brave the day. today, though i stumbled out to the deli in my quasai pajamas (i love queens!), got myself an iced coffee and brought it back to have before i got dressed.

i’m happy today.

so that last entry, huh? what the fuck? i know what i was try to say, but man! you know what i was trying to say, right?
sheesh.

i’m so fucking sick of myself and that’s a good thing.

i had brunch with one of my favorite friends today. she just had a baby. it was so not a big deal. there she was. stroller an all, as if she’s always been like that sexy as ever. then after a while i was like, dude, I’M HOLDING YOUR BABY. like, you had a kid. you’re a MOM. and yes, i got misty. this is the girl who taught me that i was worth it. who helped me shop for wedding shoes. who i french kissed in a game of truth nor dare….. and then we discussed blowjobs, hemerroids and kegal toys as usual. its so strange this being alive thing. blows me away every single day.

i had a small epiphany this afternoon while enjoying a “special” salad for lunch (tuna greens tomato olives fennel and avocado). i realized that it’s all me. all my friction with this world? me.
me and fear. actually its fear and the way i react to it.
i realized that the world i think i live in is overwhelming. stunning and dissapointing all in the same breath.
BUT! Apparently it isn’t.
today, somehow, some way, i got a glimpse outside of my usual death fog to realize that its not like that for everybody. most people don’t automatically assume that they are going to be laughed at after they leave the room, or get misty when they see an old lady getting coral lipstick on her vanilla ice cream cone. can you imagine?
i think i’ve always thought that everybody else experienced the world the same way as i do but they are less sensitive and have more grace and that i’m just being weak cry baby and maybe if i could just lighten up or something, i’d have (be) more fun.

but i don’t know. i love it when my friends get all vulnerable and graceless and spazzy in front of me. to me that’s love. that’s fun!

i don’t wish i was less sensitive. i guess i wish i could love my friends more.