moonlight mile

sammy NYE 2009/10
‘member how sometimes i talk about my compulsive grieving? how sunday nights bring on the worst case of dread and regret and sad all balled up in one? ya. well multiply that times a million and give me a bunch of processed sugar and you get new year’s eve.
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and just for special? this year? this new year’s eve is the last day of the year that my mother died. the last day of the year that my mother was a live. the last day of the year that i last and forever spoke to my mom. we were going to have a nice long chat that day but she was killed instead. so, as ready as i am for this year to be over? i’m kinda not.

there she goes….

my little mom
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she’s on to the next thing now.  maybe she’s mixed in with the rain over the ocean and on her way to becoming the sunshine that warms next spring’s crocus patch. i feel ok about where she is. i know she isn’t sad or afraid or filed with regret. i don’t feel her with me. i wouldn’t mind a visit and feel her cool soft cheek on mine.

here’s what i thought about today: her coral clinique lipstick on a mcdonald’s cheese burger and how she would always let me have the pickles, planting bulbs in the garden, watching her play bridge at the beach in the summer, and laughing in the car as her thumbs caressed the steering wheel absent-mindedly.

do i love you? oh my, do i. darlin ‘deed i do.