in the spirit

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these poeple think they got it goin on, and maybe they do. but just you wait……

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i am resisting the urge to tell you all about the ringing in my soul. but becasue its sunday night, we all know by now that its just the sleepy 5 year old in me that just wants to say up and never ever ever ever go to bed.

and besides, pure perfect beauty looked me right in the eye and wished me sweet dreams. how could i not want to make good on that?

walking through pudding

oct 12: 27th st. astoria
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i love how my mind processes shit without me.

yesterday in therapy i got a big ol glimpse of my origin of hate/shame. i felt perfectly fine when i left my 45 minutes of woe but then i could not get myself to sleep and today i feel like i’m walking through buttersotch pudding.

its fucking gross.

even so, i’m the luckiest girl still standing. and like my sister says, “why do you think they call it dark chocolate?” know what i mean?

kicking and screaming

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today is my holy day.

a long ass time ago a tiny little me saw a little tiny window of hope and against all my better judgement i jumped through.

i decided that day that i was going to live.

man did i hate it. HATED IT. fucking hated every second of every day for a long long time. cried and cried and cried. and then, eventually, it got better. then it got worse. then it got better again and then it got different and on and on and on…

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and now here i sit. as old as i ever wanted to be. a woman, even. and i’m more hopful now then ever before.

yeah i still fight the urge to not take a nestea plunge off any tall escelator i ride or lean forward into every on comming train, but i do fight and breathe too and i live out loud and out of control becasue i motherfucking can.